The Not-Outcast Read online

  The Not-Outcast

  Tijan

  Copyright © 2020 by Tijan

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  Cover Designer: TJ Designs

  Photographer: Regina Wamba

  Photographer: Franggy Yanes

  Edited by Allusion Graphics

  Proofread by Paige Smith, Virginia Tesi Carey, Amy English, Susan Doumont, Chris O’Neil Parece, Crystal Solis, and Kimberley Holm

  Beta Readers: Amy English, Rochelle Paige, Debra Anastasia, Crystal Solis

  For more information, www.tijansbooks.com

  For anyone who struggles with something that is invisible to the eye, difficult to explain, and is outside the box for normal comprehension.

  For those who love those individuals.

  For the readers!

  Contents

  Prologue

  1. Cheyenne

  2. Cut

  3. Cheyenne

  4. Cheyenne

  5. Cut

  6. Cheyenne

  7. Cheyenne

  8. Cut

  9. Cut

  10. Cheyenne

  11. Cheyenne

  12. Cut

  13. Cheyenne

  14. Cheyenne

  15. Cut

  16. Cheyenne

  17. Cheyenne

  18. Cheyenne

  19. Cheyenne

  20. Cut

  21. Cheyenne

  22. Cheyenne

  23. Cut

  24. Cheyenne

  25. Cut

  26. Cheyenne

  27. Cut

  28. Cheyenne

  29. Cut

  30. Cheyenne

  31. Cut

  32. Cheyenne

  33. Cheyenne

  34. Cut

  35. Cheyenne

  36. Cut

  37. Cheyenne

  38. Cheyenne

  39. Cut

  40. Cheyenne

  41. Cheyenne

  42. Cut

  43. Cheyenne

  44. Cut

  45. Cheyenne

  46. Cheyenne

  47. Cheyenne

  48. Cut

  49. Cheyenne

  50. Cheyenne

  51. Cut

  52. Cheyenne

  53. Cut

  54. Cheyenne

  55. Cut

  56. Cheyenne

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  Also by Tijan

  Prologue

  The past

  I’d loved Cut Ryder all my life.

  Okay. That’s a lie.

  I’d only known him for this last year, and if I were being fully, fully honest here, I’ve only talked to him a handful of times.

  …

  Yeah.

  I’m lying again.

  I mean, I’ve seen him loads of times. He’s Pine Valley High School’s star hockey player, and we’re a school where hockey isn’t that big of a deal. Football and baseball are. But when Cut started playing for the team, everything changed.

  I mean, that’s what I’m told.

  I actually didn’t go to school there until this last year, but it felt like I’d been there all my life. Just like I felt like I’d known Cut all my life. The real, real truth is that he’s my brother’s best friend, and see, that’s why I thought I’d known him all my life. Except I hadn’t. Just like I haven’t really known my brother either.

  I mean, not until this year. This was the first time I came to stay with my father.

  Chad. That’s my stepbrother’s name. He’s the same age as me.

  But I didn’t see him a whole lot. Like, hardly ever.

  I mean, he didn’t really talk to me.

  He didn’t talk to me in school either.

  But I did get rides to school from my stepmother (Chad’s real mom), and sometimes Chad would be at the school when we arrived because Natalie (his mom) needed to talk to him or ask him to do something. And Cut was there with him most of the time.

  Or some of the time.

  Okay. Cut only came to the car once the whole year, but it didn’t matter.

  I was sure he knew who I was.

  I mean, I was his best friend’s sister. Or stepsister. Did it matter? We were siblings.

  Cut never really looked at me. He frowned at me once, in a hallway, when I yelled out, “Hey!” He passed me right by, but there was a flicker in his eyes. He so knew me.

  See? We were friends. We were tight.

  Or we were just in my head.

  I guess, when I think about it, a lot of things this past year only happened in my head.

  Like that I had loads of friends at Pine Valley. The truth is, I didn’t, but it was because everyone knew Chad was my brother. He’d told them not to befriend me. He was trying to protect me. At least in my head that’s what he was doing.

  And he was super good at it, because he only talked to me once that year in school. It was at my locker. I was there, shutting it, and I knew Natalie was supposed to pick me up because I had to stay after for a meeting about my mom. Chad shoved a stocking cap at me. “Here.”

  He didn’t wait for me to grab it, so it fell to the ground, but I scrambled—a big smile on my face—and I looked up. “Hey! Than—”

  He was already walking away, not giving me a second glance. He was carrying a bag, and Cut was at the lockers. A couple girls were standing with Cut, but he looked at me then.

  He saw me and acknowledged me.

  See? He did know me! I totally forgot about that time. There was no frown on his face then. Just his eyebrows pinching together, and he looked from me to Chad. Actually, now that I thought about it, he looked kinda confused.

  I mean… What was that about?

  Chad had told him about me.

  Hadn’t he?

  No way. Of course, he had.

  How do you not tell your best friend about your sister?

  Your half-sister.

  Your stepsister.

  To be fair, my dad didn’t know about me until I was eleven. And that was five years ago. There had been minimal phone calls or birthday cards since then. It wasn’t my dad’s fault. I heard him calling. Or more specifically, I heard my mom fighting with him.

  Like, all the time.

  Then again, that’s all my mom really did.

  She fought with people, then she smoked up. She liked to lock herself in her bedroom.

  Or she liked to lock me out of the house.

  One time it lasted a whole week. Other times, not as long. Other times, longer.

  There was one time where she locked herself in her room for a full week.

  I knocked and asked if she was okay. Sometimes she’d yell at me to go away. Sometimes she didn’t say anything, but she always got mad when I went to check on her. And I didn’t think she’d eaten that week or had any water, so I left sandwiches outside her door, and I stole a couple bottles of water from the neighbors.

  I stole other things, too.

  I always hated doing that, but if I were being honest, I didn’t think I was really stealing them. Mrs. Johanson saw me take a water one time, and she didn’t say a word. There were two bottles there the next day.

  Sometimes I swiped them, but I didn’t like to. And I’d only do that if I was in dire straits.

  I didn’t like seeing my mom like that or doing those things, so I spent as much time at school as possible. The water fountain there was free, you know?

  But anyway, back to Cut and how much I loved him.

  Because I did. A lot.

  I mean, he’s g
orgeous. He has this dirty blond hair, and he keeps it shaved on the sides of his head. He lets it get a little longer on top, and he’s always running his hands through it. It looks messily rumpled, and it’s just so adorable. Although, I bet being a hockey player he’d not want to be known as adorable, but in my mind, he was.

  I know I wasn’t the only girl in school who thought so either.

  Cut and Chad were both popular. They’re hockey players, so of course they were popular. But Chad was grumpy a lot of the time. Or at least, he was grumpy to me. You know, when he actually talked to me. But not Cut. He was always grinning or joking around his popular friends, and everyone loved Cut.

  How could you not?

  He was going into the NHL. Everyone knew it. I heard Chad talking about it to our dad one night at the house. It was one of the few times he was there. At first, I thought that Chad not living here with us was weird, but then I heard Natalie mention to one of her friends that they thought it was best if he stayed at Cut’s house while Donna’s kid was staying with them.

  That’s how she said it; those were her words exactly.

  I mean, I knew she was talking about me, but it made sense. Everything made sense after that.

  I was Donna’s kid.

  I was also Deek’s kid. So that meant I was Chad’s stepsister.

  So even though Natalie didn’t like calling me her stepdaughter, that’s what I was.

  But yeah, everyone’s been great to me this whole time I was at their house.

  The food was great every night.

  I could drink water any time of the day, and get this—it was endless, coming out of their fridge. I just had to grab a glass and push it against the button, and voila: instant water. It was good water, too, so I didn’t need to stay at school that long after classes ended.

  I never got locked out.

  I never had to find a warm place on the streets.

  I did look up the local shelter, just in case. One never knew.

  But back to the family, because I found out that I had another little brother. Can you believe that?

  I had no clue where he’d been this whole time. Maybe like Chad, he’d been sent somewhere else while they needed to take care of me? Oh man. I hoped I hadn’t put them out, or him out, or used his room? That’d be awful if they brought me in and sent him away because I took his room, but that didn’t make sense.

  Their house was epically big.

  I mean, Chad could’ve stayed there, and I probably wouldn’t have even seen him.

  Though, thinking on it now, Natalie was also gone a lot. There were a ton of nights when it was me at the house and Deek was working in his office. I mean, yeah, I spent time with my dad. That was super, über cool, you know? We had meals together, or some meals.

  We had meals in the beginning together.

  After a while, not so much.

  He kinda stopped talking to me toward the end.

  Except snapping.

  He liked to snap a lot.

  But in the beginning he talked to me about my mom, and when he did, he’d get all tense in the face. His words would come out clipped, but I got it. I really and truly did.

  Donna was…well, let’s just say Donna was a lot.

  I’m her daughter, and she only talked civilly to me after she’d been away at one of those clinics. She stayed there a long time. This time was the longest, and my dad thought it’d be best if I spent it with them, but usually I stayed at my uncle’s house, but this time was cool. It was like seeing how the other half lives.

  The high school was nicer, too. There weren’t gangs at Pine Valley.

  Can you imagine? How Chad would be at my normal school? With the gangs there?

  I started laughing, just thinking about it, and then I thought about Cut. It wasn’t funny anymore.

  Cut would’ve still been popular and pretty, but he probably wouldn’t have laughed as much.

  That was sad to think about because I liked his laugh. I listened for it in the hallways.

  “Cheyenne.”

  Crap. They’re talking to me.

  “Cheyenne.” My counselor leaned over, putting her hand on my arm. “This is important. You need to focus on being present with us.”

  They’re always preaching that. Being present.

  What did that even mean?

  So what if my mind wandered? So what if I’m hyper and sometimes so hyper I missed what’s going on around me? They would be, too, if they grew up where I did, the way I did.

  Being present sucked, especially now. I mean, more so now than ever.

  Could we go back to talking about Cut?

  “Cheyenne.”

  That was my dad talking.

  “What?” I looked at him. He was frowning at me, sitting in the corner with his arms crossed over his chest. He dressed up for this meeting—a business suit. Natalie’s here, too, heaving a sigh, like she usually did when she’s around me. I’ve noticed she didn’t do that when Chad was around. I couldn’t say how she was around my other brother because I obviously didn’t know him.

  I didn’t think they even knew that I knew about him.

  Let’s talk about that.

  Why haven’t they told me?

  It’s not like I’m this horrible person.

  I didn’t do anything. I mean, the worst I did was think, think and talk to myself, not be present—which I could see my dad knew I was doing again.

  He got the same look on his face every time he’s exasperated with me.

  His mouth flattens. His nose wrinkles a little, and it looks like he’s constipated or something.

  Now he’s uncrossing his arms, rubbing a hand over his forehead.

  He does that a lot when I really frustrate him.

  “Cheyenne.”

  Aw crap. It was the counselor again. She was being more insistent, and I needed to focus. If I didn’t, she’d get mad. Then I’d be asked to leave so they could talk, and nothing good was discussed when I wasn’t in the room.

  “Yeah?”

  She was trying. I could see the effort, but even her face was tight and rigid. She nodded toward Deek and Natalie. “Your father is wondering if you feel comfortable enough to return to your mother’s care?”

  That.

  I felt a knot coming up my throat.

  I knew I didn’t want to come to this meeting.

  Deek cleared his throat, leaned forward, and rested his elbows on his knees. “You’ve been at our house for six months, and we’ve made accommodations and changes so you’d feel comfortable there. If you choose to remain there, we do need to discuss bringing Chad and Hunter back into the house.”

  Hunter! That was his name.

  I didn’t think my dad realized that was the first time he’d referenced him in front of me.

  Natalie wasn’t looking at him. She had that same blank and somewhat peeved look directed at me. Thinking on it now, she looked similar to my dad whenever they had to deal with me.

  Maybe they had mentioned the other brother before, but I didn’t think so. I would’ve remembered. Who forgets their own brother’s name? Not me. Especially not me. I’d never had a brother before.

  Hunter.

  Now I knew his name, I was never forgetting it.

  “Cheyenne.”

  I messed up again. My counselor sighed.

  It wasn’t my fault that I was like this.

  But it was on me to control it, so okay…

  I had to concentrate here.

  A deep breath in.

  Hold—that never worked for me.

  “My mom’s good again?” I asked.

  Crap. That was a question, not a statement from me. I messed up there, too.

  The counselor looked relieved. I was participating. She always got less snippy when I responded to her.

  “She’s graduated to the halfway house, and she’ll be able to leave as early as this week. She’s reached out and requested to see you.”

  I frowned. Why? I shrugged. “Na
h. I’m good.”

  All three adults shared a look at that.

  See! I’m so focused here. Noticing everything. Every. Thing.

  “What do you mean, you’re good? You don’t want to see your mother, or you don’t want to live with her?”

  See her. Duh. It’s always the same. She’d come out of those places happy and hippie and seeing rainbows and talking about angels. She’d be nice, promising to keep with her yoga and meditation and the rules. Always the rules.

  Life would be decent, for a while.

  But she’d start smoking again.

  Or she’d meet a guy and then start smoking again. I’m not talking the cigarette kind of smoking.

  Same old, same old.

  Then I’d get locked out.

  I’d be on the streets.

  I’d spend time with Herb. He lived on the corner two blocks from the house.

  “I guess I’m good with living with her, but can I come back to Deek’s the next time?”

  A look flickered in my counselor's eyes. She knew what I was talking about.

  Natalie’s voice hitched high. “Next time? What does she mean, ‘next time’?”

  Oh boy.

  That answered my question. Natalie looked all panicky at the thought that I could be coming back. It was cool. I could stay at my uncle’s, I guess. My cousins liked me. They thought I was funny. Plus, I wasn’t scared to walk from my room to go get water there, though they didn’t have the fancy fridge water that Deek did.