Nate Page 30

  Jesus.

  Well, if I hadn’t known before that he didn’t love me, I sure knew now. He cemented that in.

  I was sobbing before I caught myself.

  Big deep sobs. They were being yanked out of my body, and I couldn’t quiet them.

  My hands were in fists, and I pressed them on the tile, trying to stop myself, trying to quiet them. The playroom wasn’t that far away. If he followed me, he might hear.

  I couldn’t have that.

  Fuck me. Fuck me for real.

  I was so stupid. So so incredibly stupid.

  Get your shit together, Quincey. Close up the heart. Yank the walls back in place and deal.

  Just. Deal.

  It was what it was.

  I would get through this.

  I had Nova.

  She was worth everything.

  Some heartbreak? Not a problem.

  I could handle this.

  I’d love Nate from afar then.

  I could deal. I would deal.

  Right. Okay.

  Fuck it.

  My chest was being split down the middle. The pain was excruciating.

  I’d deal tomorrow. Yes. Tomorrow.

  For tonight, I’d lay here and cry.

  So I did that.

  Nate would be on dad duty tonight.

  56

  Nate

  Nova was fussing about everything.

  She didn’t want her food. Everything I put on her tray, she flung at the wall. The stuff that didn’t get immediately flung got shoved to the floor. Then she’d go back to fussing.

  I tried singing.

  I tried dancing.

  I did the food airplane.

  I gave her a bottle. That got thrown at a wall, and note to self: my girl might be an athlete.

  I checked her temp. She was fine.

  I checked her ears. They looked good, but maybe it was still them?

  I had a pounding headache.

  I knew Quincey wasn’t still going to the bathroom. My luck, I’d fucked things up again with her.

  My phone was buzzing and ringing all at the same time, and I didn’t know that was possible.

  “Ahhhh!” Now Nova was screaming and banging. The fork got thrown, and her head went backward. Her little spoon sailed into the sink.

  This was a toddler meltdown in full effect.

  “Right.” I was speaking to myself, but the decision was made.

  I checked that I had clothes on. Shoes. I grabbed my wallet, my keys, and then I whisked Nova out of her chair. I left a note for Quincey, bundled up Nova, and then we were heading out. She was put in her car seat, and I got behind the wheel. I synced my phone and was calling, not giving a shit about what time it was in Hungary.

  Aspen answered, groggy, “Nate? What?”

  A growl came next, and Blaise’s voice. “Are you dying?”

  “I’m about to,” I snapped at him.

  “Huh?”

  Aspen was back. “I got this.”

  “It’s two in the morning. I can’t decipher sarcasm right away. Sor-ree.”

  “You sure can speak it, can’t you? Go to sleep.” Aspen said on the phone, “Hold on. I can hear Nova. I’m moving to a different room.”

  I frowned, pulling out of the garage and heading down the driveway.

  A door closed on her end. Some shuffling sounds. Then another door.

  “Okay. What’s going on?”

  “I’m sorry to wake you up.” I was lying. “No. I’m not sorry. I’m sorry for lying. Fuck. I’m already a failure at this partner shit.”

  “Is Nova physically okay?”

  “AHHH HEEEEEEE!”

  I grimaced. “I think my ear just started bleeding.”

  She laughed. “Did you check her temp?”

  “I checked. She’s fine. Her ears look good. She’s not seeping any liquids. She was all fine and dandy until supper time.”

  “Did something happen? Maybe she’s becoming a fussy eater?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Is Quincey there?”

  I was quiet.

  I’d already called my sister about Nova. I didn’t want to lay both things on her.

  “Nate.”

  I growled, gripping the wheel tighter.

  On the plus side, Nova was quieting down. She loved car rides.

  The negative, I was getting riled up. Or I’d already been riled up, but now I had to discuss what had riled me up, and that was riling me up even more.

  “I fucked up.”

  “Why am I not surprised?”

  I glared at my dashboard. “You’re picking up your boy’s sarcasm, sis.”

  She snorted. “My boy? I’m telling him you said that.”

  “Please don’t. Good Lord. He’ll troll me on his own social media.”

  “He would, but tell me what happened. Maybe your little sister has some wisdom her dear brother needs to hear, hmm?”

  I laughed at that, but this sucked.

  “She doesn’t think I love her.”

  There was a beat, then, “THEN, OF COURSE, SHE’S PISSED AT YOU! What were you thinking? I love you, but sometimes it’s like you’re emotionally deficient. But you’re a guy. You’re a normal guy—”

  “Not like me.”

  Blaise had entered whatever room she was in.

  I growled. “I don’t need ‘the boy’ to insert his cocky quips right now.”

  Blaise laughed in the background. “Tough shit. I’m awake, and I want to hear the drama. Zeke will want a full update.”

  Another growl from me. “None of this is getting leaked to your best bud. Not if you want to remain in the family text group.”

  Blaise just snorted. “Let’s hear it, Nathaniel. I want to hear how you’ve messed up your relationship before you even made it an official relationship. You hadn’t, right?”

  I seriously hated this kid sometimes. “We were enjoying each other, and we weren’t—it went left all of a sudden. We’ve been in a high-stressed environment, figuring out our shit. Her dad’s been threatening us. Then her dancing. Then the car accident. My family was here. It’s been a lot, okay?”

  “Dude. Those are all excuses, like literally all of them. A conversation takes minutes.”

  “I hate you.”

  “You love me.” Blaise was smug. “But get to the meat. What happened?”

  “He loves her.” From Aspen.

  Blaise snorted. “Of course, he loves her. She’s Nova’s now-mom, and he’s banging her. If you don’t love that chick, then you’re a moron. Wait a minute. Nate, you are stupid as fuck sometimes.”

  “Ram a stick up your ass, Blaise.” I thought about that. “And don’t make a sexual joke about that. You are with my sister, and she’s right next to you.”

  “Ass,” from Nova.

  I cursed under my breath. “Let’s hope that’s not one of her new words.”

  Aspen started laughing. “You’re at the stage when you need to start watching your language, pops.”

  “Thanks,” I bit out.

  Aspen said as if I hadn’t been a sarcastic ass, “Also, Blaise won’t. I have my fingers on his tit. If he makes a joke, he’s getting a titty-twister.”

  Blaise started laughing until his voice went three octaves higher. “OW! Aspen.”

  She was laughing. “We’re here for my brother, not you. Stop flirting.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “Move your hand off my leg.”

  Blaise growled. “Nate, talk. I’m up, and the titty-twister got me horny. Let’s figure your shit out so I can handle my shit here. And side note, that’s how you handle females. There’s a problem, you deal with it. But you gotta remember, things you don’t think about saying are exactly what you should be saying to them.”

  “That makes no sense.” Also, “Stop cursing.”

  “It makes perfect sense.”

  I clamped my mouth shut, but the growl was there. I couldn’t stop growling, then I heard a softer growl come from
Nova’s chair.

  I started laughing.

  “Was that Nova?”

  “Yes.” I was laughing harder. “She’s picking up my habits.”

  She growled again, then started laughing.

  A layer of tension eased up, but there was so much underneath. My sister was right. I hated to admit this, but I might need some Blaise-wisdom. He did tend to understand women the best out of our family circle.

  “Did you tell her you loved her?” From Blaise.

  “No.”

  “That’s your fucking problem.”

  “Stop cursing,” I said.

  Aspen spoke up, “Just go back and talk to her. Tell her your feelings. Tell her everything.”

  “Clean her jar. Clean your jar. Clean things that you don’t even think are relevant. They’re probably completely relevant.”

  “Clean the jar, huh?” What a fucking phrase. I shook my head but hit the turn signal and slowed down.

  It was time to head back. Nova was happy, and I had a game plan.

  “If you don’t feel emotionally clean, then it’s not clean. Go with that as your guideline and remember, say the shit you don’t think about saying.”

  “That doesn’t help him.” She added, “And watch the language with Nova now picking things up. She’s a sponge.”

  “I don’t care. About Nate, not Nova. He has to learn. Why are we teaching him how to be in a relationship? He’s ancient compared to us.”

  “Because he’s been a fuckboy most of his life.”

  “Aspen.” My mouth was open. “I can’t believe you called me that.” And also, “Language.”

  “Sorry. So sorry. It’s—I was around Logan and Taylor a lot last week. He kept telling her he was an eff-boy when he was young, just like you. She kept saying, ‘I know. I don’t get why you keep telling me this.’ And it’d repeat. I have no idea what was going on, so I was quiet, but I picked up the word.”

  “You know who else is a reformed fuck—AH! That hurt! Fine. Eff-boy?”

  I could hear my brother-in-law’s smirk from across the ocean.

  “He’s giving me the look,” Aspen said to me.

  “It’s a twinkle. I twinkle.”

  “It’s a look. He’s smoldering at me.”

  “I think most guys smolder,” Blaise commented.

  Aspen laughed but added, “Tell her you love her. It’ll be fine. And Nova was probably just picking up the tension in the house. Kids feel everything and watch everything. It’s their job. Love you, Nate. I want to be the first to know when you need help picking out the ring.”

  “The ring?!”

  But Aspen hung up, and I pushed that thought aside.

  One thing at a time here.

  First things first, clean the jar.

  57

  Quincey

  I came out to the kitchen and found Nate and Nova not there. He left a note, but I looked at the food he’d been giving her. None of them were her favorites. They were all her least favorites, so I switched out a few and put her plate back in the fridge. He’d be able to get her to eat just fine when they came back.

  Grabbing a bottle of wine, a corkscrew, and a wineglass, I took it with me downstairs. There was a sitting room with patio doors that overlooked the backyard. The pool was covered by now, but the landscaping had been top-notch, and all the lights were soothing to view.

  I settled in on a comfortable couch with a blanket wrapped around me. The lights were off where I was sitting as I poured myself a glass of wine.

  I was a few sips in when I heard them come back.

  Nate walked in. Nova’s little pitter-patter of feet. She was in the mood to run. She must’ve woken up from a small nap. She’d have so much energy now.

  Nate was talking to himself, but I couldn’t make out the words.

  A chink of glasses. The sound of something being scraped against a plate.

  Nova’s little pitter-patter again, then silence.

  Nate was chuckling.

  Nova was talking up a storm. Miss Penguin. Mama. Dada. Batty.

  Ass?

  Had I heard that right?

  Nate’s bark of laughter told me that I had.

  I drank more wine. It coated my insides, relaxing me, soothing, and taking away some of the pain from before. For the next hour, I listened to them above.

  Nate fed her. Did the dishes.

  I could hear the water being run for her bath.

  His footsteps in her room. He stayed in there a bit.

  Then he was on the move.

  He went… He went to my room? Then to his room.

  To the kitchen.

  Living room.

  He went outside, crossing to the pool house. He looked inside, but the light was off, and he turned around. He was coming back around.

  Maybe I moved? I didn’t intend to, but suddenly, he turned and looked right at me.

  I held my breath, a shiver going through me, and my mouth went dry.

  He walked to the patio doors.

  I frowned, feeling a drumbeat starting inside me. Slow but strong, it was building, and I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what was happening.

  He came in, closed the door, and moved to sit next to me on the couch. He wasn’t touching me, and he wasn’t turned to face me. He was sitting there, and he leaned back. Then he spoke to the room, “I’m someone who feels emotions. I do, but they aren’t strong. And I know that’s not normal, but that’s me. It’s just how I am. I guess. Maybe I made myself numb, or this is just how I’m built. I’m telling you this because when I do feel things, I know they’re important.” He expelled a small pocket of air. “You don’t know this, or maybe you do because of Mallone’s file, but when I was younger, my parents worried about the influence Mason would have on me. He was angry, and he had reason to be. Me, I wasn’t as angry. Not then. I was more of a go-with-the-flow kind of friend, but my parents didn’t trust me. So they shipped me off. They shipped all of us off. Myself. My sister. My brother.”

  I frowned. I had read about the brother in the file, but hearing it from Nate came with more context. I wanted to hear this from him.

  “It wasn’t immediate, but my parents decided they wanted to get back to making movies. We got shipped to a boarding school in Canada, and I kinda lost myself for a while. I was mad at my parents because we didn’t have a lot of problems before that. Or I didn’t think we did. Maybe we did, and they never registered with me, but they created the problem. I remember thinking that and just getting so mad because they decided who I should see or talk to or who I shouldn’t. For a year there, I could only focus on getting back to my friends. It wasn’t really just to see my friends. It was more a ‘fuck you’ to my parents. Like, you tell me who you don’t want me to see? Then that’s all I’ll go and see then.” A short laugh, one that sounded bitter, came from him. “I lost sight of my own family during those years. When I was of age, I went back to Fallen Crest, and things had changed in my friend group. The dynamics were different. I was pushed out, somewhat, and yeah… that’s who I had fought my parents so hard to get back to? I don’t know. I was angry and confused, and I didn’t know who I was mad at. Mason or my parents? I think I was just mad at myself.” A pause.

  A deep breath.

  He said, “And then my brother died.”

  My stomach twisted.

  I teared up for him.

  “I wasn’t there when he died. I wasn’t there when my sister was struggling. I didn’t even know about her struggles. I shut my parents out, so in essence, they shut me out. I had no idea…” His voice cracked. “I wasn’t altogether “in” with my friends, and I really wasn’t “in” with my family anymore. I was on this lost island, and I had no idea how I got myself there. It took a few years until I got things right on the friend's side. It took longer with my family, a lot longer.”

  “You and Aspen seem so close now.”

  “We are, but I had to work at that, too. My parents dropped the ball on a lot of things. Call
it selfishness or workaholics or … I don’t know. They tried to make things better with me a few years ago, but too much damage was done. I more wanted them to shape up for Aspen. I guess I’m saying all this because there have been pockets in my life when I felt things. Hurt. Anger. Loss. Confusion. Concern. But not love.” He turned to me, his eyes so clear, so piercing. “When I saw Nova, I loved her immediately and I knew she was mine. I just knew. It was instant. I love my parents. I love my sister. I love my friends. But none of them touch what I feel for Nova.” Another pause and his eyes growing even more somber. “Or you.”

  I sucked in my breath, feeling a pain in there.

  “You both are different from the rest. You’re more. Nova is everything to me. Everything, but you—you are, too. I want you beside me. I want to walk with you. I want to hand Nova off to you. I want to laugh with you. I want to help fix dinners with you, for you. I want to take care of you. I want to protect you. I want to touch you. Hold you. Hug you. Fuck you hard. Fuck you slow. I want to put my claim on you so permanently that no one else will look at you. They’ll just know you’re mine. You and Nova are my family, and it’s a real type of family, more real than I’ve ever felt before.” He choked up, raking a hand over his face. “I’m not someone who knows their feelings right away or knows how to articulate them. I’m just not like that, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. When I got that call that you were hit by a car, the world shifted for me. Everything went clear. You. Nova. You both are mine, and that’s how it is. I need you in my life. I need you with me, and I’ve never told you that. I was waiting until you were ready, and then I think I overshot, and you were ready long before I told you. That doesn’t even make sense to me, but I feel like it does to you? Maybe?”

  I reached out for him, needing to touch him.

  He was giving me the world. He had taken it, wrapped a bow around it, filled it with love, and he was holding it to me with the palm of his hand.

  I sat up, kneeling, and then I crawled over to him.

  He caught my wine—the wineglass I forgot I had in my hand—and laughed, setting it on the stand beside him. Then he reached over, his hands went under my arms, and he lifted me onto his lap. I turned, my legs sliding down so I was straddling him, my blanket and all.