The Not-Outcast Page 17

  “Why’s that bad?”

  “It’s not. I think a younger me would’ve been even more insecure because how could I matter to you? What do I have that I could give you? But now, I’m just having a moment. I’ve come so far from that girl, but I’m still struggling. That’s what this stuff does to you. You struggle no matter what. Every day. Every minute. You are fighting your own mind. And people don’t get it, people don’t want to get it.”

  “I do. I mean, I want to get it.”

  I looked him over, watching the lights and shadows dance over his face. I felt that safe feeling again, but there was a lull around him. He did that. He lulled the edges that used to pull at me, distract me, ingrain inside of me until I couldn’t focus on anything.

  “But you never will, and I think that’s what the luckiest thing is for someone like you. You won’t get it.”

  I’d gone back and forth so much, but right here, right now, I was coming to a decision. It made my heart pound. It made my chest tighten. It stretched every nerve ending in my body, and I couldn’t believe I was going to make it, but I was.

  I was going to try with him.

  If I didn’t, I felt like I was back on those streets. I felt open to the elements. I’d always be fighting, feeling the desperate edge because I couldn’t go back to where I was when my mom died. I couldn’t, but he soothed the outside around me. He helped me focus. It was like he was a home for me, opening a door and beckoning me to come inside.

  If he pushed me out, then I’d have to deal.

  I closed my eyes. I really enjoyed this feeling.

  It was warming to someone who’d only ever been cold.

  I hadn’t known anything other than the cold until the first time he touched me.

  25

  Cut

  Since the first event, I’d gotten so many different looks from Cheyenne. Perplexion. Vulnerability. Hilarity. Sexiness. Freeing. But this one was different again. She felt serene, almost peaceful. I’d never seen her like this, and I wanted to help in any way I could.

  I had to help, it was just what I was going to be feeling with her.

  I was not that guy. Never had been. I let Chad use me, but that’s because I loved him. He was my brother, but even Chad never brought this reaction out of me. My family, my own brothers, none of them. It was different with Cheyenne. It was all different, and I was starting to realize that I wasn’t just seeing her in a different light, I was starting to see everything in a different light. Not better. Not worse. Just different. There was more texture, more colors, more depth.

  Also, I needed to be real with myself. This was rocking me to my core a bit.

  “Oh, wow.”

  Cheyenne sat up, seeing how far the line to get into Bresko’s was. It extended at least a full mile, if not more.

  I drove past. The line was in a third lane that we got special approval to get put out here.

  I said, “I was in on some of the planning.” I gestured around us because Bresko’s was in the middle of nowhere for a reason. “We own all of this land. Did this on purpose because we knew the parking lot wait would be a lot.”

  “Why do that, though? So people have to wait in their vehicles.”

  “Makes it more exclusive. That was the thinking behind it. Also, if you’re driving to the club with friends, there’s the idea that you’re already having a pre-game in your vehicle before you even get to the club. We wanted to build on that.”

  She was listening, her eyes thoughtful. “It’s just different. People can’t come off the streets or hop out of a cab to enjoy what this place offers.”

  “Exactly. If they’re coming to Beskso’s, they’re committed for a full night, or they’ve got some serious cash, or they’re determined enough to get inside. There’s also some serious poker games in the basement going on. Those last till the mornings, usually. And there’s some VIP rooms that are always booked. They’re full every night.”

  “For celebrities like you?”

  My mouth twitched at that. I knew I was a celebrity, but I never felt like one. “You’d be surprised how many celebrities have a house in the area.”

  We were coming to the turn off and I hit the signal, but eased to a stop. One of the parking attendants approached the vehicle.

  “Mr. Ryder. I didn’t know that was you.”

  “Hey, George. How’s the night so far?”

  “It’s good. It’s good, sir.” He lifted his radio. “I’ll call you up.”

  “Sounds good. Thanks, man.”

  “Of course, sir.” The attendant moved his head to see Cheyenne. “Miss.”

  I raised the window again, and Cheyenne laughed. “Miss. I thought I was going to be a ‘ma’am’.”

  We eased forward. We still had two lanes to head up, but one lane was taken up by those waiting in line to get inside. We had it looped so two lanes went up, around, and we had two lanes heading out. The two ways never crossed over each other. When people left Bresko’s, they headed to the east. People had to come from the west to get into Bresko’s. It helped cut down on the traffic and smoothed out the overall experience.

  George called ahead for us, so when I pulled up, we wouldn’t have to go through another attendant. (Which was the situation for everyone as there were three main checkpoints along the way.) We’d get clocked, then waved through, and there’d be a slot right at the door ready for us.

  “Is that usual for an investor to know a worker’s name?”

  I shook my head, going into the first roundabout. “No, but the owners give a fuck about who works for them. They wanted loyal workers, so they treat them right, and the hope is that the workers will be loyal back. It was a mission I liked and why I bought in. George has been with Bresko’s since the beginning.”

  I felt her gaze on me the rest of the way, and then wheeled into the slot that was left open for us.

  “Mr. Ryder.”

  I nodded to Juan this time and started around the truck. Henry and Penny were on the sidewalk as Cheyenne was getting out. Henry at the door, and Penny waiting with a drink in hand already. I didn’t greet them by name, but they knew I knew them, and each gave me a smile and nod.

  Cheyenne bypassed the drink but gave both a smile.

  “She’s a water girl.”

  Penny’s eyes lit up in understanding. As we headed inside, I knew she’d be radioing ahead. Cheyenne would have a water at her disposal the rest of the evening, whether she knew it or not. Cary met us inside. I took Cheyenne’s hand, but glanced back to read how she was handling the inside.

  Her eyes were squinty, but she was looking around for her friends.

  Her hand seemed good, strong. Her head was up and steady, too.

  Maybe it helped that she’d been here before. I didn’t know for sure, but she seemed good.

  I was suddenly grateful that the owners purposefully kept the inside of Bresko’s dark and low on stimulus. They didn’t want customers to get overwhelmed when coming in, but instead feel more like they were being eased into paradise. The interior opened to a small front room. A bar was set up. Clean and simple lines. Only two staff stood inside. Cary glanced at Cheyenne, but stepped back as I walked toward her. She fell in step with me as we walked through a back hallway. “Mr. Miller is in your usual box. He had some guests join him. Are you here because of the situation?”

  I nodded. “The new guests are her friends. One of them called.”

  Cary glanced to Cheyenne, but swung back to me. “Do you want any extra assistance?”

  She was asking if I wanted her there, or security, or anything really. I was always low-key the few times I came here, so I appreciated her asking. I liked to slip in unnoticed and quietly. “We’ll be fine.” I indicated to Cheyenne again. “This is a close friend.”

  Cheyenne frowned, but didn’t say anything.

  Cary nodded immediately. She knew what I was saying. The only other ‘friend’ I had was Chad. If the other players came, they came in on their own celebrity. Chad was
given special treatment because of me. Cheyenne would now receive special treatment as well.

  “I’ll leave you two here then.”

  Cary gave us both a smile and a wave as she headed down a hallway toward her office. Her hand was already up in her ear, and she was sending the notice about Cheyenne to the rest of the staff.

  Since we were alone, I pulled Cheyenne to the side and squeezed her hand. “You doing okay?”

  A look of wonder was on her face as she looked up at me. Her eyes were a little dilated. “It’s never been like this for me.”

  “Like what?”

  She went back to looking around, though everything in the hallway was dark except a trail of lights on the floor by the walls. It was similar to a movie theater feel.

  “I’ve gone to Bresko’s before, but there’s always this grating feeling. It’s in the background, and if my walls are thin, I can’t stay long. Or I needed something to dull the edges, but tonight it’s different. It’s all different. I actually feel like I might enjoy being here tonight rather than just getting through it, you know?”

  I winced on the inside. I didn’t, but I was glad I was the reason for it.

  I was starting to think that I’d never understand what she goes through.

  A whole surge of needing to protect her, care for her, swelled up in me. I cupped the side of her face, tilting her up to look at me. “What can I do to help you?”

  Her hand went to my chest and pressed there. “You already are. You’re being you.”

  I had no idea what that meant, but I’d go with it. I gave her a small smile, my thumb running by her mouth. “I’d like to take you home after this.”

  Her eyes caught and held mine.

  We’d go in there. Her friends were in there. They’d sweep her up. I was realizing that’s the inclination you got when you knew Cheyenne, and when you cared for Cheyenne. It was just her, but I wanted this night. With her. There was a feeling in me, like I’d only get tonight, or like this night was different and I needed to take advantage of it as much as possible. Whatever it was, I couldn’t let go.

  She nodded. “I’d like that, too.”

  A small bit of tension eased in my chest, so I dropped my hand back to hers, laced our fingers, and headed forward.

  26

  Cheyenne

  The calmness I felt standing in that hallway with Cut was gone the second we entered his private box.

  I heard the yelling, then a wave of everything else hit me. And it hit me hard. The smells of the club rose up swiftly. The techno music, the hard bass, the neon lights flashing flooded me. Sweat. Grime. Beer. Perfume. Cologne. And other smells that I didn’t want to identify. It was jarring, and I sucked in my breath, remembering to fortify my walls.

  It was a whole imagery-coping mechanism I learned. Sometimes it helped, other times it didn’t.

  I took a moment, imagining all the music in a bubble, then I moved it aside. I did the same with the smells. After that I could focus a bit better. Sasha’s voice carried to me, along with Melanie’s and Cassie’s. The last two were sitting on one side of the box, giggling and wrapped around each other. I looked around, and Sasha and Chad were on the other side. Sasha was standing, arms crossed, head tilted up and away from Chad.

  My Not-Brother was standing in front of her, his arms out and his head down. He was speaking to her.

  “Come on, Sasha. Be reasonable.”

  I sucked my breath in at that one. Not the right words to use with Sasha.

  Melanie’s head lifted, her laugh fading, but then she saw me, and her smile came back. “Shy!” She was up and heading for me when Sasha heard and turned, too.

  I stepped free from Cut, and the three of us merged in the middle. We’d done this so many times. Our arms came up around each other, our foreheads next to each other, and we formed our own huddle.

  “Hey.” Me.

  “Heya.” Sasha.

  “Holla.” Melanie.

  And squeeze. We all moved in, closer together. That was just the greeting.

  “Sash,” from me. “What do you need?”

  “You came with Cut?” Her eyes were big, ignoring my question.

  Melanie’s grin turned secretive. “I already knew.”

  “And you didn’t tell me?”

  “You were fighting with Not-Brother. I wasn’t going to interrupt that.”

  “Nice. I could’ve used the distraction.”

  I told them what Maisie called Chad.

  Melanie’s smile was almost off her face. “I want to meet this woman and I want to kiss her feet. Not literally, though. The feet. I’d like to meet her.”

  I asked Sasha, “Distraction enough?”

  She closed her eyes, a soft smile there and she nodded. “Yes. Thank you.”

  Melanie snorted. “Nut-Brother. That’s awesome.”

  Sasha released us and pressed into her forehead, rubbing her temples. “He makes me so crazy.” She dropped her hands, found her place around our shoulders again and said to me, “We’re on and off, and I haven’t said anything because every time, I swear, every time I promise myself that I won’t let him in. And then he calls or texts and he’s all nice and charming, and the next hour I’m pretending to do Juna’s ankle-slide move on him.”

  “Didn’t need that information.”

  Sasha ignored Melanie. “And tonight, we came and he was dancing with another girl. That’s fine and all, but he was blowing smoke up my ass just last week. Saying that he wanted to be with me, and maybe he was wrong about you, saying maybe he didn’t know you after all, and blah, blah, blah. It’s been weeks. I don’t understand his revelation now.”

  Melanie grunted. “Dumbass. He just needs to see her and know whatever stories his mom said to him was all bullshit.”

  I missed Hunter, but there were no hang-ups about any of that stuff for me. “That’s all in the past.”

  “Not for me. Not for Chad. He goes back and forth, remembering what his mom said, and then saying maybe he needs to get to know you. And now this other chick. I can’t keep up.”

  “What happened to the other chick?”

  Melanie grunted again, a cocky grin on her face. “She took off. Saw Pinchy Sasha, and her eyes got all panicky. Cassie was just walking inside the VIP area and the girl almost bowled her over.”

  “Was Cassie okay?”

  “Oh yeah. It was a close clash, but nothing happened. I bet you anything that chick is still here, just somewhere else in the club.”

  Sasha’s gaze skimmed over our heads. “I really liked coming here, too. Now that’s all ruined. Stupid Not-Brother put a bad taste in my mouth.”

  Melanie just started laughing. “Nut-Brother.”

  Sasha rolled her eyes. “Stop.”

  Melanie met my gaze. We were getting back to normal Sasha, the one who used one-word statements. Chad really had knocked her off balance.

  “Fuck.” Melanie.

  I frowned. “Wait. Didn’t you have to go to the bathroom?”

  “What?”

  Melanie answered me, “I did. Sash calmed down a little, and Cassie was here. You don’t mess with PT people. They know things about your body you don’t want to know they know, you know?”

  “No.”

  She shrugged. “It’s all good. I got my dump done.”

  Sasha was shaking her head. “Girls.”

  Right. Another one-word answer.

  For a moment, Sasha almost looked like a normal girl, using full sentences and talking about her feelings. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them. “Thanks.” She looked from Melanie to me.

  We got her drift. She was back to being our Sasha.

  I nodded.

  Melanie nodded.

  We were all good to go. The emergency to get here was settled.

  One more last group squeeze and release. We dropped our arms and turned, facing Chad who was talking to Cut now. Cassie was still sitting in their booth, a half-smile on her face, looking at us as if
we were a new entity to her. Her mouth was parted in that half-smile, too.

  Cut first looked at me. “You good?”

  I nodded. I was good.

  Both Melanie and Sasha took note of that question, sharing a look before glancing to me.

  “Sasha, let’s talk about this. Please.” Chad stepped forward.

  Sasha moved back, and her eyes got cold. “No.” She inclined her head toward me. “Home?”

  I shook my head. “Cut’s going to take me. You want a ride from us?”

  Cassie had come over to join our group. Melanie shifted, standing closer to her, but they weren’t touching. Melanie said, “We got her!” She sidled up, linking her elbows with Sasha and bumping her hip against hers.

  Sasha looked like she needed to take the dump now.

  Melanie gave Chad a dirty look, but she didn’t say anything.

  He was taking all of us in, including Cassie who had joined our ranks. With a groan, he raked his hand through his hair, grabbed his drink, and said, “I’m out of here.” He jerked his chin up at Cut. “See you at home.” He spared us all one last look before he left the box.

  Cassie said to Cut, “It’s nice seeing you out and about.”

  He laughed. “Right.”

  “It’s a rest day for you tomorrow, so I’ll see you at eleven for a soak.”

  He dipped his head down again. “Got it.”

  She raised her eyebrows, but she was grinning as she did it. “Okay, then. Looks like all is well now. Ready, babe?” She reached for Melanie’s hand, and all three of them gave a wave before heading out. Melanie and Sasha both stepped close for one more half-hug.

  Mel whispered, “Have fun! You look good with him.”