The Not-Outcast Page 10

  “Yeah.” She glanced at the clock. “I should already be there.”

  The fact that we got Sasha for this long at all last night and today was huge. She almost lived at Tiyts. Fancy spelling, but the name was basic and memorable. The Y was silent. So…Tits.

  Also self-explanatory.

  “Okay. It’s decided.” Melanie stood up, stretching her long legs, with a yawn that no one believed. She was up to something. “You and me.” Her eyes found me. “We’re going to that hockey game.”

  Yep. Definitely up to something.

  Also, I didn’t have a plus one with my seat.

  Sasha said, “Those tickets are already sold out. They sell out fast.”

  “Pretty sure I can get myself in.”

  She pulled out her phone and Sasha frowned at me. “You’ll be okay?”

  I nodded. “I’ll be fine. Really.”

  The worry lines never moved, but she touched my shoulder as she started to head back to the bathroom. “Call if you need anything.”

  “Yo.” Melanie’s head popped up. “Cassie said she can get us in. Three seats. You sure you can’t come, Sash?”

  Sasha had already started back for the bathroom. “No. I gotta go check on my girls. Come to Tits tonight afterwards. It always fills up with guys after the games.”

  Melanie’s head tilted sideways, her eyebrows pinched together, and she was biting the inside of her lip again. “When are you and this ‘ideal guy’ getting together?”

  “He’s not my ‘ideal’ guy.” Though, a younger version of Cheyenne was whispering to me that he was, that I’d fallen in love with him when I first saw him, and why was I trying to lie to myself. Logic was telling me to agree with Sasha, but the totally illogical side was whispering, ‘who the fuck cares? Just give in to the unicorn utopia.’

  I felt like I was getting trounced by those unicorns right now. Hooves all over my chest, a few making sure to stomp on my forehead in the process.

  I was nervous. Really nervous.

  But I said to Melanie, “We’re doing something after the game.”

  “Something?” Another lip twitch from Melanie.

  “He said dinner.”

  “The main entree is pussy.”

  Sasha barked out a laugh all the way from her bathroom, and that was past two bedrooms. Her hearing was on point today.

  “Come on.” Melanie went to get her purse.

  I stood. “Where are we going?”

  “We’re going to a hockey game. I’m hoping at least one of us gets laid tonight. So that means we need to pick out the best clothes.” She raised a hand, hollering out, “We’re heading out. Bye, Sash.”

  “Bring your girl to Tits tonight!”

  Melanie pulled out her keys, heading for the door. “Will do!”

  I followed her outside.

  She said over her shoulder, “I know you’re nervous. You don’t have to be. This guy is already panting to lick your clit, but I need my girl with me. We’re going to get manis and pedis right now.” She moved to the side, linking her elbow with mine, and it was just the right thing to say to me.

  I bumped my hips to hers. “Only if we get mimosas.”

  Her smile was almost blinding. “Done.”

  I was nervous.

  I was fully nervous.

  I was palms sweating, heart pounding, and edges of my vision blurring. That type of nervous. Maybe I shouldn’t have been. Melanie read me right and switched all conversation to her and Cassie. The PT girl who had met us at Bresko’s, and who was gorgeous, and who Melanie was totally vibing with. She really liked her, but Melanie more loved the chase than the actual falling in love part. Correction: she enjoyed the chase and the sex, but she never lied about either.

  And when we took an Uber to the hockey arena, I was feeling all of the nerves.

  Literally.

  All. The. Nerves.

  I was about to see Cut again.

  He hadn’t texted, neither had I. I felt as if we were both locked in, knowing there’d be a talk tonight, and there was no way I telling him the truth. That I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. I was going to hedge my bets and go with everything else that caused me to run, like my mom, like my upbringing, like—okay. That’d be too much. It was too much for me at times, and I’d lived it.

  I’d figure it out, probably on the spot, and until then I’d be freaking.

  “Hey.” Melanie nudged my elbow. Her tone was quiet but concerned. “Did you take your meds today?”

  Meds.

  What meds?

  Oh yes.

  Those meds.

  Wait.

  Shit.

  Shit!

  My meds.

  I wasn’t panicking.

  Nope.

  I’d been good.

  I didn’t drink last night.

  I didn’t partake in the mimosas today.

  And why was that? Because of my meds, because I was off my vacation from my meds and… I was thinking, remembering, and I was coming up blank.

  There’s no way I forgot to take them, or start them back up again. No way.

  But there was a way.

  I’d been distracted.

  Very distracted.

  Very very distracted, and I pulled out the container, looked for my day’s slots and shit—I hadn’t. Shit, shit, shit. I was fully hyperventilating now because this wasn’t good.

  She saw, and I heard her quick curse under her breath. “Okay. No problem.” We were walking up to the side entrance that Cassie told us to head toward, but Melanie reached in her purse and pulled out a small water bottle. “Take ’em now.”

  I could, but it took a long time for them to even start getting into my system.

  I was fucked for the night and how could I have forgotten them?! By now this should’ve been like breathing. I just do it, but I’d never had such a distraction like Cut before. And now I was panicking thinking about how I was fucked and I was setting off my own panic attack here. I could feel it rising up.

  The room was already buzzing right along with me, and we’d just gotten to the back of the arena.

  Nope. No way. I’d be okay. I’d have to be okay.

  I popped a pill, putting the bottle back in my purse. “I’m good.”

  Her eyebrows pulled together. “Cheyenne.”

  I forgot.

  It was starting.

  I was thinking back over the last week, and the first day I forgot them was Saturday morning. I woke up at Cut’s. Sunday. Monday, I remembered. Tuesday, I forgot. Wednesday. Thursday, today. I’d forgotten almost the whole week.

  Fuck.

  The heat wafted in from a nearby food vendor.

  A door opened, and I felt the chill of the ice slide in, too.

  I could hear people talking outside in the seating area. I heard people coming in behind us. We’d used the staff entrance, and a security guy was coming toward us. He had a radio in hand, a frown on his face, and he was skimming over Melanie and me like we were groupies.

  I had a routine down, and I was so far gone from my routine this whole week.

  “Ben!” A woman was coming from a side door, her hand raised.

  The security guy looked over.

  She indicated us. “They’re with me.”

  His head moved up. “Got it. You need—” He stopped talking, seeing her hand and the two lanyards she was holding. “You got ’em already.”

  Then Cassie was next to us. She and Melanie were greeting each other, a kiss to the cheek, a slight hug before Cassie turned toward me. Man. She was really beautiful, and warm. I’d seen her before, but it was different this time. There was a glow around her. Did Melanie not see it?

  I was noticing all of this as if I was using one side of my brain. I had separated inside. One side of me was shut down. The other part of me was noticing everything else. It was a coping mechanism I’d been trained to use in counseling.

  I needed an anchor, and I needed to let everything else move to th
e back of my head. I had to, but it was hard. It took work. I would be struggling—I needed another drink.

  Cassie was moving to greet me, a hand to my shoulder.

  She had sprayed perfume on herself that smelled like lilacs, and she pressed a chaste kiss to my cheek. The lilacs were a lot right now. She was saying something, but the buzz from everything else had deafened me. I couldn’t hear her, but my eyes dropped to her lips, reading them.

  “Hello, Cheyenne. It’s so nice to see you again.”

  She squeezed my shoulder lightly, out of affection. She was happy.

  And she turned back to Melanie.

  She was happy Melanie was here, but there was more to her attention toward me. Something else, something with me, but I couldn’t decipher it.

  How could I have forgotten my meds for so many days in a row? Well, I’m me. There’s that.

  I drew in a breath, closing my eyes.

  I needed to channel everything.

  It wasn’t staying in the back of my head.

  I felt Melanie looking at me. She was worried, too.

  I had those drinks earlier, and no wonder my anxiety was starting to take over.

  I had to do something.

  Be something…I was shifting.

  My shirt felt like it was suffocating me.

  I was cold and hot all at the same time.

  More people were coming in behind us, and I squawked as I moved aside. They all gave me weird looks.

  Everyone was looking.

  They all knew.

  Knew I was crazy. That I was insane.

  I’d hear the whispers.

  I’d be asked to leave.

  I pressed my mouth shut so I didn’t make any more sounds. This happened, too. Too much stimulus, and I couldn’t read the right cues. I’d say something when I shouldn’t, answer a question that was asked five questions ago, and the looks. More looks.

  People didn’t like what they couldn’t understand.

  It scared them.

  They couldn’t understand me.

  I heard Melanie saying something to Cassie, and suddenly an arm wound around my shoulders.

  I tensed, but it was Melanie, and she was pulling me against her.

  She was my anchor.

  My hand found hers, hiding between our bodies, and I clung hard.

  She squeezed me back. “Head down, babe. We’ll go somewhere you can handle. I’m sorry.”

  No, no. I wanted to tell her I had regular seats, that this would’ve happened there, too.

  I should’ve taken my meds.

  Why had I forgotten them?

  I kept my head down a little bit. We were walking down a hallway, past people. The lights were overwhelming. A new person popped out of a room, and kept popping out, and popping out. They were all saying hi to Cassie.

  She was loved here.

  But now she was worried, too, casting a small frown over her shoulder at us.

  Melanie was covering for me, her head almost ridiculously high to make up for my own. Her shoulders were as wide as she could make them, and she was holding me almost under her arm. Cold sweat was running down my back, but this wasn’t my first rodeo.

  I could fake it…and I was.

  My mouth was pressed tight, but I was smiling and gave a small head dip to people who were turned toward us. Even if they didn’t say a word, I gave them a small smile, just in case. And then we were through a back door and going up stairs.

  The lights were darker.

  Cement floors.

  The echoes from Melanie’s heels were like firecrackers being set off.

  Cassie had sneakers on. Nice and comfortable and silent sneakers. And her clothing was quiet, too, except I could hear the soft rubbing of her sleeve against her Mustangs’ jacket. Still, it wasn’t as loud as Melanie’s leather skirt or those heels.

  She asked my opinion.

  I told her then it was ‘dead sexy,’ and now I was rethinking my terminology.

  No. It still looked sexy.

  Cassie liked it. She was looking at it, but there were rings of worry around her mouth, too.

  But then Melanie was talking to her. She must’ve told a joke. I’d probably hear it in thirty seconds when it caught up to the chaos in my head.

  Cassie was laughing, and she relaxed.

  Melanie was such a good friend, because she was shielding me as best she could, but Cassie wasn’t detecting it.

  Melanie was making Cassie think she had it under control, that her nutso friend would be fine.

  Nutso.

  Weirdo.

  Street chick.

  It’s funny because those words were coming back to me now. I was an adult, but they were words I’d been called when I was in high school. They’d bounced off me then. Why were the simple memories of those words and phrases penetrating now?

  We were through another door, on a higher floor, and things were muted, but I could still hear, see, feel, sense, taste, and again…why had I forgotten my damn meds? Stop it, Cheyenne. Deal with it. It’s not your first time here, and it won’t be your last.

  Recognize the chaos.

  Know there’ll be chaos.

  Look straight and try to find your tunnel.

  “This will be a lot quieter, promise.”

  Cassie’s words came from a distance.

  Melanie was chuckling right into my ear, and then a door was being unlocked, opened, and we were inside.

  I almost wept from relief. The floors were carpeted. That helped the intensity of everything so much.

  There were leather couches. Leather chairs. A few high-top tables.

  A bar in the corner, and Cassie was nodding to the guy standing there. They spoke to each other, their heads bent together, and he nodded before leaving.

  I never knew about these boxes. And we were so high up, but I needed to pull myself together.

  I stepped away from Melanie and she frowned at me.

  I patted her arm. “Give me a bit. Go and flirt, have fun.”

  “You sure?”

  I nodded, even though that sent everything spinning once again.

  I needed a new anchor. It wasn’t fair to put that on Melanie. “Go.” I motioned, then threw a warm and fake grin to Cassie. “I’m going to sit for a spell.”

  I didn’t know if Cassie was looking in our direction or not. The stimulus of looking back in her direction was too much, but I needed to cover my bases, and slipping away, I eased into a side room where there was no one.

  Just me. Just four seats in the front with glass partitions keeping me from the people underneath us, and I sank into the seat in the far corner and bent over.

  Forehead to knees.

  Sometimes this helped. Just a bit. I needed a handle on it because I was having a slight panic attack, and I knew I’d been triggered at realizing I was off-schedule for my meds. But I could do this. I’d done it for years before, and now at least I had the coping mechanisms in place.

  Head closed. Eyes bent forward.

  I mean, switch those around, and a breath.

  I recognized the sound of a door closing, and that had to be Melanie.

  I didn’t know who was supposed to be in this box with us—if they were going to come in here or not—but I knew whoever it was, Melanie wouldn’t let them through. No way in hell. I was safe and I could relax and I needed to find a tunnel.

  I needed to find a line.

  I needed to focus on that line—and when some of the buzzing faded a bit, I looked up.

  I ignored the people underneath.

  They were a part of an ocean.

  I was in a boat.

  I was looking forward, at the surface of the water. That was the ice, and the guys were out there, already warming up.

  I found Cut, he was zipping around. Shooting. He was laughing with one of his teammates, and I was so damn tired. Exhausted already.

  I should go home.

  I’d be worthless by the end of the game, but no. I could do this.
I just needed a small handle on it. The panic attack was easing. It would slide away and things would be easier after that.

  It had to be, I’d waited so long for him to notice me.

  CUT

  Jesus. It was a barnburner.

  I was wiped, but hyped by the end of the game. We won three to two.

  Hendrix came up to me. “I can’t believe Squatch. He came out of fucking nowhere, right?”

  I was on a high. This was the best part of the game. Well, not the best. Part of the best. Playing. Fighting. Icing. All of it, being out there, going head to head, pulling out a win.

  I fucking loved this game.

  “Guys are heading to Bresko’s. You in?” He held out a fist. “We’ll use the back room.”

  “Uh.” I met his fist with mine. “I’m not sure. I’m supposed to meet up with someone.”

  His grin turned cocky and knowing. “Nice. Bring her for a drink or two.”

  “Maybe.” But no way, and not at Bresko’s. We were all heading for the locker room, but I looked up. I looked up every time we left, and she wasn’t there.

  She said she would be, so what the fuck?

  Everyone was happy. They all wanted to celebrate, and I was there with them, but I needed to get to my phone so I could see what was going on with Cheyenne.

  “Cut.”

  Cassie popped in from one of the hallways. I gave her a chin-lift. “Hey, Cassie.” And kept right on going.

  “No, Cut…” She tugged at the corner of my sweater, indicating to a side room.

  Already not liking this, I went with her. Cassie wasn’t asking about my elbow, and she looked strung out, nervous almost. We stepped in, and she moved to the door so it was only open an inch. “Hey, um…” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, glancing back to the hallway we just left.

  “What is it?”

  Her shoulders rolled back, her head lifted higher, and she spoke, more sure, “I don’t totally feel right doing this, but I also don’t totally feel right not saying anything.”

  Fuck.

  “What is it?” My teeth were starting to grind against each other.

  “Melanie called before. She said you and Cheyenne were heading out after the game tonight.”

  “That’s the plan.”

  “Well, they showed up and they’d been drinking.”